CA Presents:The Roast of Gundam Wing
by ConquerorAlexander
Summary: Finally a story of comedy for the world of Gundam Wing. Nothing is off limits and this story will have strong language and adult oriented jokes. This is only for humor guys, read, have fun, and enjoy. Let the fun and roasting begin!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I did writing it and re-reading it! Lol, I hope to get a good response from this story, although I know this chapter isn't too long and the rest won't get much longer, I believe but this is mainly just to get the scenario in place. Enjoy! Read the disclaimer first people! I don't want someone to not be able to take a joke or something.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gundam Wing or anything else that I mention in this story that belongs to some major corporation or the people who are the authors or fans of the stuff that I make fun of. This is all for good humor and nothing else. Have a good laugh guys.

**CA Presents: The Roast of Gundam Wing**

The crowd cheered as the five Gundam pilots walked on stage. Duo and Quatre waved at the crowd, Duo blew a couple of kisses at the crowd as the other pilots remained stoic, as usual. They took their special seats that were tailored to each individual's personalities. Heero took his seat that was in fact a replica of the destroyed Wing Gundam, and even had a detonation switch on its armrest. Duo smirked at Heero's seat, as he took his own seat on his chair that looked like several tomb stones were put together as a chair that had skeleton wings coming out from the back. Trowa sat in a chair that was brightly colored and was in fact in a clown sitting. Knowing better than to cause a seen on public television, he reluctantly sat on the clown. Quatre didn't know how to got on the seat, since it was on the back of an elephant that looked content standing. He gave out a nervous sigh as the pilots smirked at him. Wu Fei scornfully took his seat which was a couch borrowed from a therapist that the host knew, he didn't complain verbally since he knew he had to maintain what honor he had left. So many things ran through their minds of what to do or say in protest but knew better given they were being broadcasted on public television.

The crowd got quiet as they saw two panels move on the stage and smoke came out of the them. Relena was sitting on a replica thrown and she waved diplomatically at the large crowd in their seats until she saw the exGundam pilots next to her. The second guest that emerged from the smoke was Dorothy strapped to an electric chair. Trowa, had a grin, Heero's mouth flinched, and Wu Fie snorted, the crowd, the pilots, and Relena all had a good laugh of seeing the vindictive woman on a fitting thrown.

The pilots, girls, and the audience talked amongst themselves and the large monitors focused on random sections of the large auditorium. Millardo, former Zechs, Lucretzia Noin, Lady Une, Mareiamea, Quatre still not sure what to do with the elephant and so on. Finally, Just Communications by Two-Mix began playing and all the big screen monitor's cameras focused on the ceiling where a figure could be seen descending on the same mechanism that the pilots used to get on and off of their mobile suits.

The young man got off and smiled and waved at the cheering audience.

"Good evening, ladies gentleman, and Dorothy. Tonight, we're here to roast the infamous and popular cast of Gundam Wing," he paused as the crowd cheered again.

"I'm Atreyu MoonRose and I'll be your Roast Master this evening. First of all I'd like to thank all of the people on stage for doing an excellent job of destroying and blowing up shit. Except Heero."

All pilots, Relena, and Dorothy, looked around the stage and at the perfect soldier.

"Heero, mission failed. Relena is still alive and jumping your bones throughout random fandoms."

The crowd laughed, Heero scowled, and Relena was red with anger and embarrassment. The pilots all snickered, Trowa and Wu Fei still staying strong.

"Anyway, we're here to have fun, right? So, oh, hold on," Atreyu paused his thoughts as he saw Quatre petting the elephant's leg to try and get it to sit, "Momo, tut-tut." The elephant went to a laying position with it's back still facing up. Quatre climbed up and finally took his seat shyly.

"Like I was saying, why don't we get this party started!"

The crowd cheered while the pilots sat uncomfortably, not really sure what to expect. They honestly thought there wouldn't be much to talk about, given that they were soldiers, assassins, and liberators, but by the chairs they were sitting on and the host's warm welcoming words, everything apparently was game.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Hey guys, thanks for those who have read this story I appreciate it. I know that the last chapter might've been a bit short especially since there wasn't much funny stuff going on but it was just to give you the feel of this story. It is a roast, so there will a pretty good amount of equal bashing going around and it shouldn't be taken seriously as it is for humor. Although, I do have to say that some characters set themselves up for it more than others so that just makes them better targets.  To my reviewers a special thank you goes out to you! **XxMeli J NightlyXX**, **Pryo-Neko-Isis**, and **Kat Cora** thank you! **Pryo**, thanks for giving this story a chance, I appreciate it. Well, here's the next installment of my Roas of Gundam Wing! Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gundam Wing, it's characters, or anything else said here that is obviously owned by somebody else. I do own Atreyu and his personality as he is my creation and that is the only thing that I own. Remember guys, this is a roast, and is meant for bashing all around and there will be some people who get it more than others because of how they were portrayed in the anime. Oh, and this fiction is rated M for language and sexually oriented jokes, and for some remarks that are not meant to offend and are only here for humor and do not reflect my personal feelings towards people. This is once againe only for humor people, so I apologize in advance for anyone who I may offend.

**CA Presents: The Roast of Gundam Wing **(chapter 2)

"Alright now, we're going to have everyone get their shot at the mic," and before Atreyu could look back at the pilots to determine who he'd call on first, he felt someone tapping his shoulder.

It was Duo, who immediately took over the mic and Atreyu made his way to his seat away from the pilots; he knew he'd better stay his distance because he'd be a target of theirs for a good while.

"Okay, so, I'm sure this one has been on everyone's mind. Why do people put Heero and I as a couple?! Seriously, that's FUCKED up. I mean, look at him, who'd want to do a "perfect soldier"? No one said, "God, Rambo, that psycho, trigger happy, hug deprived, insane bastard fuck me!" And God knows, the terminator didn't get anyone wet, so, Relena, why Heero?" asked Duo with a shit eating grin on his face.

The audience laughed, Heero blushed a little, Relena was scarlet, and Dorothy had an amused look on her face.

"Seriously, what would you get out of it? You're better off with a pocket rocket and CSPAN. I mean, you'd sure as hell wouldn't even get kids. Look at the spandex shorts!"

The crowd erupted in laughter at Duo's remarks. Even Atreyu was cracking up as he stood up to the pilot's relief and dismissed Duo back to his seat.

"I know, but you'll get another chance," said Atreyu as he took the microphone again as he saw the disappointed look on Duo's face, but before he could say anything, Relena was by his side.

"Excuse me, but I'm appalled by such remarks," she said loud enough to be picked up by the microphone.

"Uh, Relena, this is a roast. What did you think was going to take place? Some sort of cookout where you could try and seduce Heero politically?"

The crowd laughed as they could hear Atreyu. Relena flushed with embarrassment was speechless.

"Relena, why don't you go ahead and take your shot," said Atreyu as he motioned for her to take the mic with a smile.

"Shoot me Heero!" yelled Duo before Relena could speak into the mic.

"Shut up Duo! You're the one that wants him," she said defensively as the crowd went "ooh…"

Duo rolled his eyes.

"If I wanted to get fucked with a dick, I'd go fuck Une over there."

Trowa cracked a smile and Heero's lips twitched and Wu Fei kept his lips firm in a line but was biting his tongue to keep himself from laughing.

The monitor camera focused on Une to catch her putting on her glasses and stood up and said, " Maxwell, you're ass is mine after this thing is over!" while pointed at Duo.

"See! I rest my case," said Duo as the crowd erupted in laughter as they saw Une turn red realizing the implications of what she said. Noin could be seen trying to calm down Une as Zechs did his best to maintain his composure.

Relena couldn't help but laugh a little at the expense of Une by just one smart remark made at Duo but then again it was Duo, and no one could really predict what he'd say or do next.

Atreyu went up to relieve Relena, given he felt that she didn't have much more to say. She gave him a look of thanks and made her way back to her seat.

After Relena sat, Dorothy got the courage to try to roast the pilots, because if the up tight, blissfully unaware, horned up, lunatic Relena could do it, she could.

Seeing her getting up Atreyu announced, "And now the only woman I know of who has enough money to have a gold limo, be a part of a family business with war, go to a school based on the ideas of pacifism but has yet to go get her brows waxed! Seriously, I'm sure Wu Fei has a cousin that would only take five minate or less to fix those—!"

Atreyu stopped speaking and opened and shut his mouth in an attempt to say something and soon his face flushed red.

"Just as I thought, no balls," said Dorothy as she removed her hands from Atreyu's crotch and shoved him away from the mic.

The crowd laughed at Dorothy's antics and was surprised that she did that and that Atreyu just walked away without any defensive words.

"On that note of ball-less men, I want to know why Chang's ass never got to doing Po or did you want another 'sword' fight with Treize again?"

The crowd laughed and "ooh"-ed as Wu Fei clenched his fists.

"He's probably the only pilot that I can't make sense of. Heero's the way he is because he's probably a bit smaller than average down there, Trowa's a bit bigger than Heero, except he needs a good cry, and Quatre's the one packing the heat. That's why guys think he's gay because they're jealous that a pretty boy hangs lower than they do. Then there's Duo, I'd say he is the smallest of the group because of how loud he is and all the attention he wants and gets, but then there's Chang who's Chinese. I guess he takes that title by default."

All the pilots and Relena turned scarlet at what Dorothy said and the audience cried with laughter as Dorothy stood there with a smug look on her face. Wu Fei moved her away from the microphone, "Move woman."

Dorothy huffed and said loud enough for the mic to pick up, "Bye tiny."

"The reason why Po and I never did anything was because God if I know, she'd have a dick too. Oh, and Dorothy, the reason why some believe that Quatre is gay is because if he's not getting it from Trowa, he's getting it from you and I'm sure either way he's getting a dick up his ass. You've probably got us all beat, including Une and Po in dick size."

Wu Fei walked away from the mic, somewhat satisfied with his remarks, and to his seat as the crowd had yet to stop laughing. Quatre was glowing red with embarrassment and the pilots looked a little uncomfortable, especially Duo. He looked like he had something to say but Atreyu gave him a signal to stay put.

Atreyu, now having caught his breath from Dorothy's iron grip and the comments made while he was out for the count.

"I have to agree with Dorothy guys 'cause if Quatre's not fucking/getting fucked by Dorothy, he gets paired with Relena. And I'm like, 'What the fuck, Relena's a terrible cover up!' You hear that Heero, a terrible cover up!"

Everyone on and off stage had a good laugh.

"I mean, she just has no sex appeal, and no boobs! And when she did get them, we all know it was a gift from Noin in hopes they would help her stop being so childish and suicidal, and what does she do? She wears a pantsuit! Ugh, talk about having as much sex appeal as Hilary Clinton. Heero, seriously, consider a three-some with Quatre and Dorothy. You'd get more action, more gratifying, action man. I'm sure those rocks of yours need to get off!"

Heero, Quatre, and Relena went scarlet. Quatre was even starting to get a nosebleed from all the sexual remarks and suggestions about him.

Dorothy had a look of interest about her and looked at Heero while making the "call me" motion with her hands.


	3. Finale

**A/N:** Hey guys thanks for stopping by once again, and unfortunaly this is the last chapter for my roast of Gundam Wing. It turns out when you write things on paper and then type them up they're not as many pages as you thought you had. This update is a little longer than the last update and there is a link embedded into the story to give you a better visual of the slideshow that plays near the end. If you comment on it, that's great, just bear in mind that I've never done anything like that and is meant to capture the feelings of the roast, the good, the bad, and the funny. Also if anyone knows how to make AMVs on a Mac with iMovie, PM me or email me! Once again, this is the last update for this story and if you're a Gundam Wing fan, check out the stories on my profile list. :) Thanks again for giving this story a chance and may your lives be full of laughter. Oh, and the video has been up for a while just to see if it would work, and, lol, I think someone already commented on it. I tried putting the link on this story but it didn't work so it's going to be on my profile is anyone wants to see it incase it doesn't work this time.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gundam Wing or things that are obviously owned by other people or entities. Remember, this is a roast and everyone is going to get bashed, some more than others based on how they were portrayed by the anime, so bare that in mind. And remember, this story is rated M for language and sexually oriented jokes.

**CA Presents: The Roast of Gundam Wing—Finale!**

Trowa got off the clown chair and made his way towards Atreyu.

"Ah, the suicidal clown that would not even get hired at Dorothy's birthday party. At least he adds some form of comic relief as a clown, unlike Heero."

Atreyu gave a nervous smile towards Trowa and backed away from the mic.

"The thing that I want to know is why do people pair me up with Une. Really? If I'm not 'mentally stable' as some people put it, why put me with that nut job." asked Trowa half serious and half humorously.

The crowd had a mixed reaction towards the silent soldier, as they weren't sure if he was being funny or serious.

The small awkward silence was broken by none other than Duo as he stood up and yelled, "'Cause you can't do your sister!"

That broke the silence as the crowd laughed and the monitor cameras focused on Catherine as she crossed her arms and shook her head.

Duo, now by Trowa's side said, "It's okay buddy, there are a couple of people who put you with queen bee over there," as he placed his arm around Trowa's shoulders and pointed to Relena.

"Eh, that's okay, I guess."

"Yeah, not to mention you also get a lot of action from blondie over there," said Duo as he winked in Quatre's direction.

Trwoa blinked and couldn't help but turn a little red at the sight of the look on his sister's face. A combination of shock and "I've always had a hunch."

Trowa tried to say something in his defense but couldn't get it out, so he just walked away knowing that this was a roast and he couldn't do much about it.

"And on that note, Heero you have a terrible taste in women. You can do much better than Duo!" yelled Dorothy while standing.

"Hey! You're a psycho bitch ya know!"

"Well at least I've never had to clarify my gender!" she yelled at Duo who was now standing in front of her.

"Dorothy, you have to admit, stabbing someone for trying to give you advice is totally a sign of being a psycho bitch. I mean poor Quatre!"

Half of the crowd "ooh"-ed and the other half was surprised that Heero was getting up to say something.

"Heero!"

"I love you!"

"I wanna have your baby!"

Yelled several fans amongst the crowd that had several "1xR" signs with a red circle and a slash through it and had a "1x2" with a heart around it.

"For all the times I don't have a gun on me," said Dorothy.

"Oh boy, you and me both girl. The last time Heero stood up in front of a crowd it was in class and he killed the people's souls of sheer boredom, and he was only introducing himself. And he used my name! Making me look like a total loser," said Duo as he crossed his arms and stood next to Dorothy's seat.

"Maxwell you already are one. I don't know who's more emo, you calling yourself the God of Death or Trowa with that hair of his."

The crowd, Quatre, Relena, and Dorothy chuckled.

"And as a matter of fact, I didn't know who's more fucked up here on stage. Trowa for rarely talking, you for talking too much, or hot shot over there for hosting this thing."

The crowd laughed again as Atreyu gulgped in fear of what the perfect soldier could do to him if he encountered him again, but laughed at Heero's attempt at stand up comedy.

"Aw, hey now, I have yet to blow myself up He-man," said Atreyu as he put a hand on his shoulder.

He received an icy glare from Heero but knew he had to relieve the mic from him.

Duo gave a sigh of relief and Dorothy said, "And that's why I carry a bottle of Grey Goose in the limo."

"Dorothy! Shh!" said Relena with a finger over her lips with a scowl.

"Relena don't get me started. I've seen how you get with those martinis," Dorothy spat back.

"Yeah, remember, you ended up letting a little girl keep you hostage, all for having a 'few' before that meeting," said Quatre on top of Momo who could be heard clearly thanks to a hidden mic on the area Quatre was sitting on.

"She had people ready to kill me! What did you expect me to do? I had no one!" yelled Relena defensively.

"Yeah, but that's what you get for being too annoying for people to defend you," retorted Dorothy.

"This is not fair. Don't everyone shoot me all at once," huffed Relena as she crossed her arms.

"But it's true. You set yourself up for these kinds of things woman. I would've killed you, had I had the opportunity," said Wu Fei.

"Yeah, but great job you did. All you did was wear a skirt and suck Dekim's dick," snapped Relena.

The crowd laughed and Duo yelled, "That's two strikes against you Chang!"

"All right, all right, calm down dumplings, daddy's still here," said Atreyu with an amused look on his face from them doing their roast from where they sat, and thought that it would be best to interrupt and possibly wrap all of this up.

"Never the less, I hope that no one kills themselves, Trowa," snuck in the name in a pretend cough," and that everyone had fun from the politically incorrect to the quiet. Oh and Relena the proper word for dick is penis. Such crude comments from someone considering herself a lady," said Atreyu you mockingly as he shook his head with a "tisk tisk" as the crowd chuckled with him.

"I have to say that this has been fun guys and I'm glad every one also got to say something and that no one got hurt. So I hope now that the fans of the cast don't hunt me down along with the cast and kill me," said Atreyu as he could see various signs of all sorts of colors with all sorts of pairings floating amongst the crowd.

"I love all of you guys and was glad that I had the opportunity to do this!" said Atreyu as he fished out a little remote from his coat pocket with a big grin on his face.

The monitors switched from various faces of people attending the show, to those on the tables in front of the stage, and of the pilots to little chibi versions of everyone on stage dancing to some random and catchy song. The chibi cartoons were shaking their hips left and right and had their little hands up above their heads bouncing up and down.

The crowd laughed.

"Remember guys, it's not about the size of the ship, it's about the motion of the ocean!"

The crowd laughed, the pilots flushed, and Dorothy grinned.

The video on the monitors went black and began showing a slideshow of the pilots from the show and others of them doing various things, including silly hysterical ones, and had White Reflections playing in the background by Two-Mix ( /watchvRMSGHRFhOzc ).

As the video played, five people dressed up as the doctors who engineered the Gundams went up to their respective pilots and offered their hands out as escorts. Quatre's of course waited from him to come down off of Momo. Someone cosplaying as Heero took Relena's hand and Atreyu took Dorothy's.

"Come on guys, they won't bite. If anything I should be worried about that happening to me," said Atreyu as Dorothy took his hand with a graceful smile on her lips and pressed the heel of her stiletto onto his toe as she stood up. Atreyu winced but did his best to cover up the pain with a smiled and leaned in to whisper, "I like you."

Dorothy gave him a smug smile and walked off stage with Atreyu as the others followed suit towards the back off the stage.

The people who sat at the tables in front of the stage stood up and clapped as they walked to the back with various fan girls and boys yelling for random pairings, "I love yous," hoots and cat calls.

Backstage everyone was talking amongst themselves waiting for their limos to come and pick them up on the rear exit for guests.

"Now that was fun," said Duo as he pooped the top off of a Coke can.

"Yeah, it was interesting to say the least," said Quartre as he put down his cup of fruit punch.

"Hey guys, you're rides are here," said Atreyu as he was dusting cookie crumbs off from his coat.

Pegan stood outside Relena's limo holding the door open for her as she got in. Another driver had opened the door for the pilots to get in but Dorothy grabbed Quatre and Heero and threw them in her limo so quickly that not even they knew what was going on until she came back, opened the door, and threw Atreyu in and shut the door behind her.

The pilots and Atreyu looked at Dorothy as she opened a bottle of Grey Goose and began pouring some in a glass.

"Anyone thirsty?"

Heero, Quatre, and Atreyu looked at one another with an expression of "Oh shit…" on their faces.

Dorothy's limo was the first to take off as it passed the limo that Quatre had gotten for himself and the pilots, they could see Wu Fei and Trowa shaking their heads but they soon disappeared as Duo mooned them as they passed.

As they passed Relena's limo, the dome lights were still on and she could be seen slamming her fists on the window and yelling.

Dorothy smiled at that site and said, "Tonight will be an interesting night."

Atreyu, Heero, and Quatre all took a shot of the vodka after she said that as the limo continued to drive off into the night.


End file.
